The biggest story in Canada this past week was the shocking news that Jian Ghomeshi, host of Q, the high profile CBC radio show loved by a small subset of the population, was suddenly fired by the CBC for allegations of assault and sexual harassment. Shortly after the story broke, the Toronto Star published a story outlining the results of their investigation into Ghomeshi, which included a number of anonymous women who have claimed to have been assaulted by the famous CBC radio host. Officially, the Star claimed that the reason for releasing their story was that Ghomeshi had referenced their investigation in his ill-fated Facebook post. My sources at the Star, however, have informed me of the real reason that the newspaper held off on publishing the story.
The Toronto Star, despite being a newspaper focused on a single city, is actually more widely read than the two nationally focused newspapers, the Globe and Mail and the National Post. The primary reason for this success has been their ongoing, in-depth coverage of the Rob Ford saga. Virtually all of the Rob Ford scandals have been broken first by the Toronto Star. It has been said that in the zenith of the Rob Ford controversy, a quarter of all Star employees were dedicated to writing about, or uncovering news about the larger than life mayor. Rob Ford became more famous than Prime Minister Harper and newspapers were flying off the stands and traffic to the website increased exponentially, with hits coming from all over the world.
Happy as the managers at the newspaper were, they knew it was too good to last. At some point either the police or the electorate was bound to remove the mayor from office, and in so doing, inflict grievous harm to the paper. So the senior management at the Star embarked on a mission to identify the next famous Torontonian with a scandalous personal life. A team was assembled, and they quickly picked up on pervasive rumours about Jian Ghomeshi and his sex life. Once the investigative reporters got a scent of blood, they were soon able to put together a troubling picture of the famous radio personality.
Rather than break the story right away, the paper decided to hold off as the Rob Ford story was still running hot, with stories to be written about the mayor checking into rehab, being diagnosed with cancer, pulling out of the race and putting his brother in his place, and seeking a seat on the city council. The Star was planning to break the Ghomeshi story as soon as the blander than tofu John Tory was elected. In an almost eerie coincidence, the CBC fired Ghomeshi a day before the Toronto mayoral election and in so doing provided a perfect segue for the Star’s newest content generator.
Though few would have thought it possible, the erstwhile King of Canadian hipsters turned out to have an even more shocking personal life than Rob Ford. With all the new lawsuits, allegations, and investigations popping up daily, the Star is assured of having a steady stream of attention grabbing stories and headlines for at least the next year.
Despite all of their good fortune, the Star’s management remain hard at work looking for the next source of scandalous headlines. There are already reports that the Star is already working to form a Super-Pac to help fund Doug Ford’s run the leadership of the Ontario Progressive Conservative Party.
Editor’s Note: Everything in this story is entirely made up, except for the part about the Toronto Star having the highest circulation of any newspaper in Canada. That part is true.