When the news broke last week that the NFL was investigating whether the New England Patriots had somehow illegally deflated their footballs in their game against the Indianapolis Colts, the sports world reacted with shock and disgust. The outrage is understandable given that the deflating of footballs could be one of the most shameful things to happen in the history of sports, up there with the 1919 Black Sox. The scandal has long since spilled out of the sports world and has caused nationwide anxiety at the desecration of such a hallowed organization as the NFL.
The Internet, cable TV, and talk radio have all been spouting all manner of scorching hot takes on the issue. There have been calls for fines, loss of draft picks, potentially keeping both Brady and Belichick out of the Hall of Fame, and even kicking the Patriots out of the Super Bowl in favour of the Colts, who got demolished in the AFC Championship game due to the deflated balls. The one thing that all of the commentators seem to agree on is that whatever the potential punishment, it would never quite be enough to truly see justice served against the evil empire that is the New England Patriots. That is about to change, as I have a punishment that any fair minded Patriots hater will agree is both sufficiently severe and poetic.
The NFL has wanted a team in Los Angeles ever since the Rams moved to St. Louis in the 1990s. The perfect solution would be for the league to move the Patriots to Los Angeles. When I say move them, I mean just that; not a sale. Bob Craft would be forced to take Bill Belichick, Tom Brady, and the rest of the team to California where they would become the Los Angeles Patriots. The league would then immediately offer an expansion team to the New England area. This could happen almost right away as there are no shortage of east coast businessmen and aging rock stars who would jump at the chance to own an NFL team, and there would be an empty stadium in Foxborough all ready to use.
But that’s not all; the league would then make then have the LA Patriots play the expansion team in Foxborough on the opening game of the season. That would then put the Patriots fans, who have benefited for so many years from all of the Patriots misdeeds, in a position where they would experience what it is like to have the Patriots running up the score on you in the 4th quarter. This, coupled with resentment over all the stories that would no doubt emerge about how Brady and Giselle enjoy southern California so much more than the Northeast, could then cause New England fans to boo the Patriots. The boldest and most shocking crime in the history of sports deserves no less than an equally shocking and bold punishment.